For Thomas

Pine Cone, originally uploaded by timophoto.

Today there was a wake for my cousin Thomas, back home in Minnesota, who passed away suddenly last week. I was very sad when I got the news. My memories of him are mostly from when we were kids, but we bumped into one another at family get-togethers and around town sometimes. I didn't know him real well, but I always had a sense that we were very much alike, mostly in the way we saw the world and tried to keep an optimistic attitude about life in general. He was a sort of quiet person, and was always quick to help others with a smile. I really wanted to go home for the service, but was unable to, for a few different reasons... I was very upset that I couldn't be there. My cousin had been to my father's funeral a few years ago, along with all his brothers and sisters... six in all, along with their parents. He was there for me and shared with me some reassuring words and wanted us to get together soon to spend some time together. It meant alot to have his support. It's so hard to accept life on life's terms when you suddenly realize it has slipped by you again.

It was after I got the news of Thomas' death on Saturday that I went to the mountains for a hike on Sunday. I went up to Idyllwild to be in my sanctuary of nature, to seek answers and be alone with my thoughts. I remember feeling very peaceful, even though the blisters on my heels were causing me a lot of pain, and I had only travelled just one-third the distance up the mountain. I would see the peaks ahead of me and I kept feeling the pull... the need to reach my goal. I wasn't even really thinking about it. I just know I was at peace, with myself, with god, and the pain of lonliness that I have experienced so much of the past few years.

I spent a good hour at the end of the trail, taking in the sights of the valley and the surrounding mountains. Thinking about my cousin, and also my father. I thought about getting older and how I was so far away from my family. My thoughts wandered as I scanned the landscape, the wind brisk in my face. That wind was talking to me, telling me I would always have to work for my bounty, but if I did with joy in my step, there would be many beautiful sights to behold.

I returned down the mountain once I knew I could look toward the next day... no matter what. And I feel that my cousin Thomas was there to let me know that it was okay to not make it home, because we had some time together right there, on that mountain top.